My sincerest apologies for not providing you all with random ShoeBaggery as of late. Now read.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I became what some of you out there like to describe as an asshole. Although I’ve been called one a time or three in my life, I wouldn’t necessarily refer to myself as such; at least not in the traditional sense of the word, but I’ll roll with it. According to most of the dictionaries out there, an asshole is someone who is obnoxious, arrogant, and rude. True: I can be most of that some of the time, or some of that most of the time. It really all depends on what day of the week it is and what controlled substances I’ve abused. I would consider myself more of a new breed of assholes. I’m not at all arrogant, I don’t think. God just happens to love me more than most people. You mad? I don’t do the things I do or say the words I say to be rude or to make people feel bad, unless of course they piss me off. I do it to make people feel happy. So if it calls for me to make someone the butt of a joke so that others can enjoy themselves, well then, that’s a burden I can live with. I’m an entertainer at heart, but sometimes my sarcasm can make that difficult to decipher. That’s my bad. Now get over it.
Being a misunderstood soul can be frustrating, but I must say, when you develop a reputation and people expect you to be an asshole, it’s got its advantages. I can damn near say whatever I want to say and it’s just Byron being Byron. For me it all started sometime in high school. Being that I was pretty short, wore glasses (not a cool, fashionable pair of frames, but the ones that your basic ass insurance covers), and had about as many developed muscles as my nephew does now, I wasn’t what you would call “winning” during that time.
I did notice however, that I always managed to make people laugh. Mostly at the expense of others, but whatever gets the job done, right. Somewhere over the years I began to hear these labels about me being used, such as “mean” or “rude.” And anyone who really knows me knows that I’m one of the nicest people they know. For example, depending on how good a woman looks and how far away she is, I will absolutely open the door for her without a problem. Does that sound like someone who is rude? It’s not even my fault that I am the way I am because more often than not, someone around me will do something or say something to where I have no choice but to make a joke out of it at their expense. And, in my opinion, wasting a good joke is like staying sober at an open bar event. God knows I’d never do that.
Beware of the wannabe asshole, however. We call them douchebags. Think: what most people feel about Kanye West. They’re mostly just sad, depressed people who aren’t nearly as lovable and entertaining as assholes are. There’s a fine line that one must walk; and if not done so correctly, everyone you know or love will come to loathe you. As for the rest of us Assholes of America, we’re not so bad. Think about it. Assholes are generally very witty, confident, and more efficient than those who are not. We don’t waste time with a lot of small talk nor do we consider the feelings of others as much so we can be a lot more productive. Who wouldn’t like those qualities in someone? Sure, we take a lot of unnecessary prejudgment and name calling. We’re like black men in America except chances are we’ll end up in college rather than prison. But I don’t know any assholes, and I know quite a few, who would have it any other way. In fact, I would encourage everyone to go out and be an asshole for a day just to see how much happier and richer your life will feel. Except for the women out there. Being a female asshole is the equivalent of being a bitch, and nobody likes that girl.